I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
