When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
