I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
