Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
