His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
