At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
