Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
