I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
