I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
