Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
