I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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