I want to make a zoo with you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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