All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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