So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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