just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
