I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
