It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
either way he was missing a nipple.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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