drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My breasts were aching with rage.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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