Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
