Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
