Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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