I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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