Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
