So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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