I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
