yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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