i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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