Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
