Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
