I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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