I could have mohawked her pubes.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
