Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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