You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
