I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
