Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
