well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
