I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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