It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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