8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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