I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
