I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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