Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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