i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
