a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My dick has a subreddit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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