My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
