Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
