I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
