I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
