Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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