i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
