Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
